Life is Healthy

I watched a lot of TV yesterday, and in the process learned more about myself than I have in years.  Through PBS's This Emotional Life, I discovered that my ruminative thinking is not only learned, it's also likely genetic. My mother and father used this kind of thinking—in other words, they dwelled on everything—why didn't you call? Where have you been? Who were you with? And that wasn't just with me. It was with each other.

Memories of Hard Times
In my house, anger, guilt, and depression dominated, and they were accompanied with addictive behaviors—eating and drinking always to excess. There was also a lot of fighting. My parents didn't pay attention to us kids unless it was to scream at us. I took the flack for everyone mostly because I was tired of living like we did. My parents had many hard times, and they tended to take it out on us—but especially me. I was the middle child.  I tried to make peace in the family many times but usually failed. That typically led to me being punished. And this activity was circular.

Why am I talking about this now? Because psychologists now realize that to truly cope with past memories, you have to remember them. You have to face them to understand them and make peace with them.

Biggest Loser Preserves Spirit, Wins Hearts, Faces Challenge 
As I watched Eric Chopin discuss his trials, failures, and disappointments last night, I identified with him more than I've identified with anyone for a very long time. When he said: "I'm just trying to figure who I'm supposed to be on this earth," I thought he was really telling my story. Sometimes I think I've never really known who I am. Ask my friends and family. I often say that I have no idea why I'm still here.

He also talked about having a feeling inside that he would fail. He said he failed. I understand that, too. Sometimes I think I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even want to try.

And he discussed an almost all or nothing attitude. I have that, too. If I'm focused on losing weight, that's my focus. Finding a balance is the healthy way.

The pain in Eric's eyes was undeniable. And I didn't just sympathize with him; I empathized with him. I know what it feels like to have to go through it all over again. But he's mustering up his courage to face the battle, and maybe this time win the war. I pray for him. I feel for him.

Facing My Battle
Well, here I am once again. Am I ready? I'm making myself ready.

We've all been there, haven't we? Lose the weight only to regain it.

Eric Chopin's 1-hr documentry premiere will be airing on Discovery Health Channel on Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 9:00 pm. The title of the show is "Confessions of a Reality Star Loser." I will be watching. If he can do this again, hell, so can I.

The Discovery Channel is beginning a series called A New Year, A New You. They will tackle everything from weight loss to hoarding. Sounds like a good way to start the New Year.

You know on the Biggest Loser when people are working out so hard they puke? Well, that's what my personal training session was like this morning. I thought I was going to puke. I still feel shaky. And I scheduled another one for next Monday. What was i thinking? Oh, it's all good. I'll be glad I did it—sooner or later.

I had the girls this weekend. That was fun. We went to the mall and walked 'til out legs were stubs. They were playing with baby dolls on the way home, and Liberty—the four-year-old—was telling hers, "I love you baby. I can't hit you baby." I thought I was going to die laughing. Soon after, they fell asleep. Where do they come up with this stuff?

One time when we were in a restaurant, Liberty—the same one—was standing up on the chair. I told her to sit down, and she looks at me and announces at the top of her lungs, "You can't hit me." I was mortified. I want you to know that I have never hit her in my life. It's funny now, but at the moment, I was like, "Oh dear God, I cannot believe you just said that."

So I'm working on getting back into exercising. My goal for this week is to go the gym five mornings. After today, anything I do on my own will pale in comparison.

A friend of mine said, "I don't work error free." And I add to that, "neither does anyone else."

I'm eager to get back to my routine. I love my pups more than anything, but I need something beyond four legs and a tail. The pups never disagree with me. They go along with anything I say. Thank goodness I have a friend who often says to me, "You know better than that." The gym awaits me.

When I watch the Biggest Loser, it is often disappointing to me. Not because of how tough the trainers are. Or how tough the diets are. I expect those things. It's the petty game playing. I couldn't live a bunch of people I would prefer to b@#*h slap than talk to. But people love a train wreck. I guess that's why the show is popular.

Next week, December 1, I'm getting serious again. I feel more ready now than I have in a while. I think I just truly needed a break. My body feels more healed. I'm still struggling with sinus things, but I'll be doing that for the rest of the winter. And I need the exercise. So do the dogs. Once I get going, they will, too.

Ok. I hear my dogs getting a little wild in the living room. So I'll be going for now. TTFN.