Life is Healthy

Once more, the bath mat sends a message from the afterlife. I initially thought that it was a trick of the bright evening sun - a glint of blue that made my heart skip, even though I knew that it could not be my old friend. Like when my beloved cat died, and every time I saw a certain cushion on the sofa out of the corner of my eye I thought it might be him. But the spirit of the bath mat has actually managed to turn a small rectangle of the pavement just to the left of where it spent some of its last days on earth blue. Blue - the very colour that the bath mat used to be, in its physical form. It is a sign.

There can be no explanation other than that this is proof of the afterlife. I should have put a bet on with William Hill and won £1m like this bloke. But when you have contact with the afterlife you are beyond earthly concerns such as money - what price the joy of knowing that the bath mat lives on and we will one day be reunited in a heaven with no street sweepers? The fact that Thames Water have gone around the surrounding streets spraying all stop cock covers blue so that their employees can identify them and work on them is just a coincidence. Remember that I know all about coincidences.

This is a message from beyond the grave, and we should all heed it.

Look!!!

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!!!

As if life isn't exciting enough already what with all the adventures going on in the cave, I have just been to the shop, along the route that in happier times would have taken me past the bath mat, and, despite nearly all the snow around here having melted, I saw a suspiciously large pile of snow right where the bath mat used to be!!! You can look back at Day 1 for proof - the bath mat spent its first weeks on the paving slab in the top right of this new picture.

Closer inspection revealed a carrot - the snow used to be a snowman! (It is a reflection on both the era and area in which I live that instead of lumps of coal for the eyes, grapes have been used.) But why would someone build a snowman on a narrow pavement? They are usually built in gardens or parks - there is a front garden immediately behind the wall and I have seen lots built around here in the past couple of days. But none on pavements. In fact, I am sure that I have never ever seen a snowman on a pavement, not even in the proper winters we used to have years ago when I had to walk through miles of snowdrifts to school, which makes it all the more amazing that one would be built right here.

The only explanation is that the spirit of the bath mat lives on in this spot, and given the first opportunity it had, it expressed itself in the physical world. Alas, the medium of snow is only temporary, and I clearly missed it in its full glory, but in this crazy mixed-up world it's good to know that an old friend is still around.

CarrotAndGrapesWatch, anybody?

(Watch on YouTube here.)

After a minute's silence, please sing loudly at 1201GMT on Friday 8th.

And did bare feet in recent times
Walk upon this old bath mat blue?
And has the rain of shower or bath
Now been replaced by morning dew?
And did the naked and the wet
Stand forth on this absorbent weave?
And is where dampened bodies dried
Among the fallen autumn leaves?

Bring me my towel; And now my pants;
Bring me my talc (my feet perspire);
Bring me my Lynx deodorant!
Bring me my dressing gown of fire!
I will not cease my Bathmatwatch,
Nor shall the words of doubters scotch,
Till we have somewhere warm to stand
In every bathroom in the land.

It is my sad duty to inform you all that the bath mat has disappeared. Unconfirmed reports at 1145GMT suggested that the bath mat was not there any more. This was confirmed at 1150GMT on the way back from the shop. A thorough search was made under cars and in nearby front gardens, but to no avail. There was a glimmer of hope that perhaps it had gone back to its original home, but that was cruelly snatched away with the circulation of this photograph earlier this afternoon:



Tony Blair has paid tribute to the bath mat in the House of Commons, saying “It was the people's bath mat”. The Queen has ordered all flags on royal palaces to be flown at half-mast, and all bets are off for the Christmas number one as Elton John has announced that he will be recording Bath Mat in the Wind.

The street where the drama of the last five weeks took place was quiet this afternoon, though it is understood that floral tributes are now being laid by the wall at the bath mat's original home.



Nearby streets are suspiciously clean, but when asked to comment on the movements of street sweepers in the past 24 hours, a local council representative said, “Er, I'm not really sure. Can I call you back?” No call came, and one angry fan has already pointed the finger of suspicion, declaring, “It was the street sweeper, in the road, with a broom”. Meanwhile, Mohamed Al Fayed has blamed Prince Philip for the disappearance, and Oliver Stone is busily scrutinising the grassy knoll area in the upper right of the photo.

This is not a time for recrimination though. This is a time to remember the happy times that the bath mat has brought us all and to reflect on its passing. There will now be three days of official mourning – please sign the book of condolences below. As a mark of respect, the Scrappy-Loo and matching bath mat (available in blue or cream) will now be donated at random to one lucky mourner.

Bath mat “missing”. More soon.

As you may have read in the business sections of the Sunday papers, Bathmatwatch, like MySpace and YouTube before it, has been taken over by a massive media conglomeration. There was a frenzied bidding war between News International, Google and Yahoo, each keen to expand their portfolio of Web 2.0 sites, but the outright winner was JonnyB’s Private Secret Diary.

Evil media magnate JonnyB, who allows the Chinese to censor his blog, and who smashed the comedy sidekicks’ union by bringing in Short Tony as scab labour, has insisted that this blog start turning a profit, so to this end I have introduced a number of revenue-generating promotions that will happily sit alongside the innocent daily picture of an abandoned bath mat. Honestly, you will barely notice the difference.

Text alerts! For just £1.40, get a daily text alert for a whole week about how the bath mat is sent straight to your mobile, BEFORE the rest of the world gets the blog posting. Invaluable if you are on holiday, or just away from your computer.

Picture alerts! For just £3.50, get the daily picture of the bath mat sent straight to your mobile for a whole week! Again, this will be BEFORE the rest of the world gets the blog posting. Imagine the envy on your friends’ faces when you tell them that you know where the Honda Civic is!

And remember that every donation made before midday on 8th December gets entered into the prize draw where you could win your very own Scrappy-Loo. People really are giving money, so don’t delay – it could be you! And the more you give, the greater your chance of winning!

To use these services, just send your UK mobile phone number in along with your PayPal donation. You will get seven daily text messages or picture messages, though I’m not responsible for network delays or incompatibilities, or the bath mat disappearing, or the fact that I might be away at Christmas. I promise never to give the number to anyone else. Nor will I use the number for making dirty phone calls to you – anyone who says that I will is lying.

Spot the bath mat. The Honda Civic owner is not making things easy for any of us. (Click photo for answer.)

I might have to rig up some floodlights till the clocks go forward...

Bathmatwatch continues with its invaluable work of providing a daily photograph of an abandoned bath mat. But this work comes at a cost – shoe leather, broadband fees, danger money etc. So today I am launching Bath Mats in Need and asking you for donations to help this work to carry on. It's easy to give – just click the 'Make a Donation' button on the right and pay via PayPal. Every penny you give goes towards helping Bathmatwatch continue.



And as an extra incentive to give, one lucky donor will receive their very own Scrappy-Loo, an actual blue toilet mat in the post. The more you give, the higher your chance of winning, so please be generous. This is a game of skill, not a lottery – to enter the draw just answer this question in the PayPal Note box: What is the subject of Bathmatwatch? (a) It is a bath mat, or (b) I am an idiot and wrong – it is something else like a carpet sample. Only correct answers will be entered into the draw. All private information such as real names and email addresses will be kept secret. The draw will be held on December 8th 2006.

NB Scrappy-Loo prize does not have eyes or mouth, nor does it speak in any way. Your statutory rights are not affected. Probably.

A month in to Bathmatwatch, and I think that this is a good time to recap, and also to let new readers catch up with an FAQ.

What is Bathmatwatch?

Bathmatwatch is a series of daily photographs of an abandoned bath mat in north-west London. It began on November 1st 2006, and is still ongoing.

UPDATE: Bathmatwatch finished 35 days later when the bath mat disappeared on December 5th 2006. A moving tribute is posted here.

UPDATE: The bath mat made a transubstantiated reappearance on February 9th 2007.

UPDATE: The bath mat sent another message from the afterlife on August 5th 2007.

Is it a bath mat? It looks a bit like a carpet sample to me.

It is a bath mat.

Has the bath mat ever moved?

It made some small movements on Day 2, Day 4, Day 7, Day 10 and Day 14, then a giant leap into the road on Day 22, then an equally giant leap along the road on Day 26. In fact, go back to Day 2 anyway. Doesn’t it look young?

Is the bath mat trying to spell something out with these movements?

So far it has spelt ‘L’. We can only speculate as to what it is trying to say and hope that it uses some abbreviations. At this rate it is like Stephen Hawking using a Ouija board. I would like to think that it will say “Love everybody”, but it might say “Leave me alone”, “Leyton Orient rule OK” or “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch". Though if the latter it will end up in Essex and it will cost me a fortune to see it every day.

Why did the bath mat cross the road?

Because the chicken wanted a bath?

Whose was the best picture drawn in the gallery on Day 11?

The joint winners were Ellie and Doris. Well done, Ellie and Doris. John Plato’s entry was, to be honest, a bit scary. Is that a green cat?

What did you see in the bath mat and then draw on Day 11, Salvadore Vincent? Was it a dog or a mouse?

It was a dog.

Has Bathmatwatch inspired any spin-offs?

There has been one rather poor quality spin-off: Suitcasewatch. Please note that this is not officially endorsed by Smaller Than Life.

How many people in the world have bath mats? If only somebody would do some kind of poll that also expressed that figure as a percentage.

The results of such a poll are here. You can vote in the poll here.

What is Bath Mats of the World?

Bath Mats of the World is a project to collect a picture of every bath mat in the world and plot their positions on a map. So far I have collected over five pictures from more than one continent.

Of the pictures sent in so far to Bath Mats of the World, which is your favourite?

They are all great. Interestingly, it has only been women who have sent in pictures of their bath mats. It is a good job that I am not someone who gets sexual thrills from seeing pictures of women’s bath mats who has set up a blog with the sole purpose of getting people to send in pictures of their bath mats, and just deleting any from men. I am not such a person, and anyone who says that I am is lying.

Where is the bath mat exactly?

The exact location is a strict secret. There are some weird people on the internet.

Who is the hero of Bathmatwatch?

That would have to be Martyn Colbeck, who spent 15 years filming elephants in Kenya. Will I still be doing this when I am 51?

Who is the villain of Bathmatwatch?

That would have to be the street sweeper. Boo!

What was this blog like before Bathmatwatch?

I can’t remember. I think that I wrote stuff like this, this and this. And this.

Is the bath from Day 21 still there?

No, it was gone the next day.

What happened to Things Abandoned on the Pavement Within 100 Yards of My Home That I Have Taken a Photograph of #3?

That will have to wait. The picture has been taken and is being stored safely, though the item itself is now long gone. If you thought Bathmatwatch was good, this will blow your minds.

Do you have a bath mat?

No. I just dry myself over the bath. In fact, if somebody gave me a bath mat, I would probably just leave it out on the pavement for someone else to take.

How did you do the CGI for Scrappy-Loo on Day 24? That was amazing!

I used a sophisticated imaging processing program that is only available to professionals within the animation industry. It is called MS Paint.

Is Bathmatwatch all true?

Every single word of it is true. It is not something that I am making up to make myself look more interesting.

Even the suitcase on Day 28? That is one amazing coincidence that it was abandoned there.

Even the suitcase. That scared me a bit.

Is there any Bathmatwatch merchandising available? eg a mug or a T-shirt.

Not yet. Would you like some?

Does your girlfriend know about Bathmatwatch?

No, and I am beginning to worry how I will break the news to her that I will have to arrange Christmas around it.

Why is the bath mat there?

Why are any of us here?

UPDATE: What is Bath Mats in Need?

Click here to find out.

Like The Truman Show, this is only going to end one way. Items born of the John Lewis bathroom department have but a short time to live. (I am not saying that John Lewis sell things of unmerchantable quality, by the way. They are an excellent chain, and never knowingly undersold (except by every shop on the internet, but that's an unfair comparison because they have much better customer service – eg I bought a pair of gloves for my mum's birthday today from a very nice woman. (It is OK – my mum does not, as far as I know, read this blog, and if she does, she does not know it is her son's, so I have not ruined the surprise.)). No, I am subtly using a metaphor for life.)

I don't know what I will do when it goes. It would be wrong to replace it with an identical stained, bedraggled and run over bath mat to spare your feelings. It is important that you all learn about death and grieve properly. It would also be wrong to immediately start another abandoned item watch – that would just be a rebound relationship, forever tainted with the unspoken question: “You're thinking about the bath mat, aren't you?”

We just have to take one day at a time.

The suitcase is gone. Gone, but not forgotten, as it seems that I have a tribute site: Suitcasewatch.

But fear not – the bath mat's secret location has not been compromised. The site is just a poor spin-off – the Joey of abandoned item blogs. In so many ways.

I am not sure that I should be giving it the oxygen of publicity, particularly when the site owner has a baby and carpenters that he should be spending his time worrying about.

Smaller Than Life is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.

Bathmatwatch took a disturbing and sinister turn today. As I turned left into the road, I immediately saw that it would be difficult to take today’s photo. The owners of the Honda Civic were clearly loading up their car, as there was a suitcase in the road just behind it. But as I got closer, no one came out of a house and put the suitcase into the boot – it just sat there in the rain.

As I got closer still I saw that it was an old suitcase that had been abandoned on the very same spot that the bath mat moved to on Day 22.



Look! It is the same diagonal white splatter on the kerb in the lower right-hand corner! Of all the gutters in all the towns in all the world, it is abandoned here.

Is somebody trying to tell me something? Am I being threatened? Are they telling me to get packing? Am I getting too close to the truth about the bath mat? Can I handle the truth about the bath mat? Could this suitcase be full of polonium-210? What is going on?

I know that the police are busy, but I am sure that once I have explained the whole of Bathmatwatch to them they will investigate.

A day of rest for the bath mat (and me), after a busy week.

Once more I found myself pointing my camera at an empty space (this time under the Honda Civic), mentally preparing the obituary when I saw that the bath mat had moved two or three yards further down the road (the wet tarmac made it difficult to spot it immediately). It has cleared the speed bump's white line, and is now neatly up against the pavement.

It may be that the bath mat is trying to spell something important to me in its movements, like in Paul Auster's New York Trilogy. So far it has managed "L". We can only watch and wait, and hope that it uses some abbreviations.

Hubcapwatch: What sort of car does this hubcap belong to?

Please continue to send in photos for Bath Mats of the World.

It is sad to see the bath mat in this state. Out of its natural environment and away from the safety of the pavement, I fear that there is not much time left. But we must remember the happy times had by it and all other bath mats.

To this end, today I bring you Bath Mats of the World. Please submit a photo of your bath mat, along with its location (it will be plotted quite precisely, so you might want to change this slightly (or a lot)), and any brief comment and URL to the email address on the right.

The bath mat here demonstrates the perfect angle at which to parallel park, using, if I am not mistaken, Dunlop tyres.

Despite the recent giant leap for bathmatkind, I am concerned that Bathmatwatch is getting a bit boring. The bath mat hasn’t moved for two days, and now that you have had a taste of excitement you will only want more. Audiences are very sophisticated these days, capable of following multiple non-linear narratives, and expecting plot twists that challenge the very nature of the programme’s reality every week.

I have thus used all my scriptwriting talents to address this problem, and have decided to introduce an irritating comedy sidekick for the bath mat. He is called Scrappy-Loo, and is the horseshoe-shaped piece of mat that goes around a toilet. He is also the bath mat’s never-before-mentioned nephew, though I can’t be bothered to work out a back-story for that. He just is, OK?

Though you may not be able to tell, Scrappy-Loo is not a real horseshoe-shaped mat – he is the latest in ‘CGI’ (computer-generated imagery, like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park), and is just ‘superimposed’ seamlessly into the scene.

NOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!

Though the bath mat is now safe from the street sweeper. Unless he is particularly diligent and supernaturally strong.

It is the sight that Britain dreaded, like the top blown off another double-decker bus, or a newspaper vendor’s board proclaiming the recommissioning of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

Today was another bright morning, the sun low in the sky. I thought that I could see the bath mat, then as I got closer a sense of panic set in. It simply wasn't there. I looked further down the street – had I miscounted the number of houses? No, this was the place that I had stood for 21 days and made my record. All that I could see was the ghostly outline on the damp pavement, a reminder of what was.

Dispassionately, professionally, I took today’s photograph. As I checked it on the screen, I briefly wondered whether yesterday’s photo would become like the fateful image of Diana in the revolving door at the Ritz, or JFK waving to the crowd in Dallas. A last picture of innocence, forever subsumed by the future-narrowing hindsight of retrospective viewers.

Then I turned around...



Joy rose in my heart once more. The bath mat appears to be heading south for the winter. But it has left the comparative safety of the pavement, where street sweepers may think that it is some kind of distant doormat, and is now playing a deadly game of chicken. Its future is uncertain, but today we should simply give thanks that it is still with us.

The bath mat may be in the gutter, but it is looking at the stars.

Bath mat “missing”. More soon.