Life is Healthy

Today my brother would have celebrated his 30th Birthday, sadly he was taken from this world by a drunk driver 12 years ago; the week before Christmas, so obviously this is hardly a fun time of year for me.

It's strange to think had he still been here what would have become of him?
What would he be doing? With who? Would he be married? Have kids!?
All these questions are of course redundant but it doesn't stop one thinking what may have been.

For those of you that don't know him and for you too China, your uncle Stephen or Punch to me was a very quiet slim long haired young man, I always seen him in a band or maybe something to do with computers - I got him into computers along time ago and he almost become as fascinated by them as I am.

Punch loved Queen and UB40 and his favourite film was The Crow - may give you an idea of his darker side. He never really got the chance to blossom which was a shame.
Sadly I was so keen to start out on my own life that I didn't spend as much time as I should of with him, of course now I regret that wholeheartedly!

One story I will share which was not long before the last time I saw him -
Punch had moved to Leicester and came back to visit, I was living in Telford at this point.
He told me how dangerous it was in Leicester and that he 'HAD TO' carry a knife (this was before knife crime was so bad, but it was beginning) anyhow, I explained that it was pointless - not the knife it was VERY pointy! But the fact he had to carry one, either he would get into trouble or have it used against him - he's tall, slim (nothing to him really) and far from violent.

He tried to continue his arguement at this point I said to him that actions speak louder than words, and told him put his knife where ever he was going to keep it - and then attack me; for real!
He put the knife into his pocket and then removed it and went to come at me, at this point I pivoted on my heel and did a spinning kick into his chest knocking him flying into the Christmas tree behind him! Harsh I know but really I wanted him to know that he was playing a dangerous game, and trust me when I say I really did pull my kick and didn't give it my all.

Luckily he took the point and decided against carrying the knife; so I managed to save him from one danger but not the other - I had always told him whenever he needed me I would be there and everytime I was, but the one time I REALLY needed to be there I couldn't and that hurts.

The track below is one I chose for punch's funeral and it was more for the fact as I said one of his favourite groups and mine and also the message behind the song - we still had much to do, only now it was upto me to live the life for us both.
Since this point I have indeed crossed many rivers as I promised and continue to do so.
Should you be looking down on me from time to time I hope you are happy with how much I changed to become a better person and the fact I'm trying to live a better life.


The one thing I do recall is how everyone kept on doing what they do, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at them to stop and take notice of what had happened, what I had lost - lesson: the world does go on regardless.

Here is a brief overview of my life with my ex and daughter. My daughter and I had a wonderful relationship; I say HAD because I no longer get access to her. I have no contact, no address, no access and no rights - after 9 years of raising a daughter I have nothing, is that right?!

Anyway, I met my ex way back in '96 (I think) it was a long time ago. Eitherway she was a young girl very beautiful to me and I could see a lot of potential in her.
She was a Jehovahs Witness for years and just before meeting me had renounced it, when he parents found out she was with me and didnt want to follow thier beliefs they kicked her out into the street.

So whats a guy to do, I moved her in with me. It was nice at first but I had to deal with alot, police, her parents, trying to move to a better area etc.
Then she got pregnant but sadly we lost the baby! We moved out of Leicester to Telford at this point. We decided we really wanted a baby - so we tried again, and later that year she gave birth to my daughter CHINA! and yes she truely was precious.

We had moved back to Leicester as Telford wasn't working out for either of us really and she thought her family would help more now we had China. (mistake number 1)!
Back in Leicester, I was alone and working my ass off to make our lives better, at one point working four jobs. I was now a qualified Fitness Instructor / Personal Trainer, so I was starting to look good too :)

We decided (against my better judgement) to get married - then after spending a small fortune and making lots of cut backs and compromises; she had an affair with her boss, I caught them and we split up.

When I got someone suddenly she wanted me back, now still loving her and missing China I agreed to try again (mistake number 2). So they moved in with me in my flat, but one day I returned home to find my flat empty - her and her sister had taken everything from the flat and put it into her house!?! So much for trust - I had apparently slept with someone I didn't!
But I had attempted to kiss one of her friends; which WAS wrong (mistake number 3).

So again we split - we finally got back together after 6 months or so, and stayed together for several years - all in all we were together (on and off for 9 years), in which time I never raised a finger to her, I was a great father to China and did all I could to make life better for us all - ok things weren't perfect, but they were much better than almost anyone else's around us, we had a nice enough home and money to live.

She was working some strange jobs - Gentlemens bars and Uni bars, but I didnt stop her, only encouraged her to make the best of the situation and gain as much experience as she could. Obviously knowing she got flirted with and I'm sure flirted back lots; but I had to trust her!
(mistake number 4) - she soon started getting ideas about dancing but that I wasn't keen on.

Anyway the day before Mothers Day she arrived home at 4am crying, I awoke and asked her whats wrong - thinking she had been attacked!?! She then told me she didnt love me and loved someone else.
I was deverstated! - (their relationship didnt last more than weeks, so much for love!)

She told me I had to leave; now at this point I had no one and no where to go, no money or job as I was doing magic as a living.
After several hours of pleading with her, she allowed me to stay on in the house and she stayed with friends for a while - this took about 2 weeks to try to get myself sorted, but I couldnt no matter what I did nothing would come together.

We had blazing rows constantly and eventually I had to leave the house and move forward - I spent sometime living rough but that was never going to work, I got very low and contemplated leaving this world, but I didn't as I decided China needed her dad!
I fought daily to see China and maybe once a fortnight got to - unless I bumped into them unexpectedly.

After a few months I had gotten on my feet with work and housing - with no help from anyone; thank you social security! - actually not true, a magician friend of mine did help, which stopped me living on the streets; thanks Dave!!

I got a place very close so I could see China, but that didn't happen - my ex wanted me GONE; out of sight out of mind - actually I think she felt guilty. As I never got to see China and only got hassle from my ex I left Leicester and moved to London with Carrie an awfully sweet girl who I simply couldn't love after such hurt; and she desevered to be happy and loved.
I continued to try to fight to get access to China, but to no avail, I managed to see her once!

I moved again this time to Spain - work was good, living was nice - but I was incomplete still no access to China, I sent emails, txt's even called but ignored constantly, my ex at this point seemed to hate me even more - like I had ever done anything to deserve it!?
my life had improved hers had stayed still - my fault??!!

She demanded money constantly, and insisted I maintain her life?!! WTF! sorry but I dont think so. I refused to send her money - but agreed to buy what China needed, not good enough!
I asked for her to come here (to Spain, for holidays), left money for a passport and even happily paid for the tickets, but again no joy.
So I went back to England for a week over the Xmas period - what a waste of time, I got 4 hours with China the day before xmas eve - after buying her presents I was no longer needed and again I got a load of shit from my ex and several threats.

So I decided that this year I would not be returning to England and that China would have to come here, that didn't happen - but she did go to France so it seems!!??

My ex now informs me she is getting married - good fucking luck this time!
She claims she is happy, wonderful!
But to top it all she tells me that her new fella is going to adopt China and change her name! FUCKING WONDERFUL!!!!!!!
No matter what I do, did or have done it makes no difference because in this fucked up world I dont matter!

I have all the responsibilites and no rights - the law needs to wake the fuck up!
IT is killing families more than individuals are!

So in the 2 years we have been apart I have seen my daughter twice - which you could argue is my fault for being here, but I had to be here as being in England and not seeing her was even harder, at least here I have an excuse!

Whilst here I have met Sandra a wonderful Spanish girl, but still issues about letting go and loving someone 100% - cheers for that, not letting me trust anyone anymore!

Well maybe no matter how hard I try I simply can't change things?
So after taking my dignity, my home, my daughter, denying me access, you now want to remove my name from her life too!? Thank you - DNA next!?.

I look forward to her being 16 and hope that someday she will come to me or I will come find her, without your intervention, as I cant and wont keep being hurt because of the past. I'm done!!!
You will not turn me into a bad guy, no matter how much you try!

Okay so my trip to the UK happened I arrived, no one to meet me and guess what nothing much had changed!

I went to pick up China to take her away for 2 weeks of excitement (little did I realise how much that would cost).

We went to Telford for a while, got bored after a few days - but we watched The Simpsons movie (yeah Spiderpig!) then moved onto Wales (Rhyl) spent some time there and alot of money - I can see the British coastal beaches are dying a slow death, crap beaches, expensive & outdated rides, crappy prizes (in the grabby machine things) and shitty weather 12 degrees!! (to think I left behind 42 degrees).

Anyway then we headed off to London for a week - alot of walking and sight-seeing and a few photos later we went down to Portsmouth for a few days - VERY cold and wet; sadly (perfect for Carrie to do her diving course). Whilst waiting for our coach we watched Rush Hour 3, boy Jackie Chan was SO desperate to have America ccept him, such a shame; he used to be awesome - sadly this film was as predictable as a shower scene in a horror movie!
So back to London before we head off to Leicester for our final leg of the journey.

All in all we have had fun - the weather has not been kind at all, but I did get to spend time with China and see her grow. I hope that next time she can come out to Spain and see what that has to offer; if only for the weather.

Nice to see that none of my 'FRIENDS' I contacted got in touch cheers guys ;)

I did bring back most of my DVD boxsets as Spanish TV isnt very exciting, so I have something to watch at least. Although I did have to pay a huge excess on the weight at the airport!

Well here are some pictures of her adventures

Cool Slideshows!