Don't Leave Me This Way
Today I managed to do 40 minutes of cardio. And I also continued with the stretching. My leg tends to tighten up if I try to do much. I'm still avoiding the weights for now. I have been doing some upper body work.
I'm working hard to overcome some issues I have. After Al died the way he did—suddenly and unexpectedly—I've developed a fear of abandonment—I'm afraid that everyone I care about will either die or just leave me. Let me try to explain. I feel like I've been deserted. Every plan that I had for the future died when Al did. Most times, I'm in a depressed funk. When my little nieces spend the night with me, I'm afraid that they will die in the middle of the night, and when I wake up I'll find their cold little bodies. I'm afraid everyone of the relationships I have, including my friends, will leave me. I get angry with people for no good reason other than I think they want to leave me. (It's the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.) It's sick. I know it is.
The real reason I don't want to get involved in another relationship is: I'm afraid "it" will just happen again. And I could never go through that again. I can't put my heart out there to be broken like that. It's an awful place to be—all alone with the world crashing in around you. Losing a spouse is a feeling like no other—it's like you've literally been cut in half and you're hemorrhaging. It's not like getting divorced because the bastard is still alive for you to curse. But when he dies, he's not there anymore, anywhere. How can you curse someone who isn't there?
Now I'm in this weird place that I don't want to be. But I'm not in denial about it. I know that I have lots of issues. And I'm trying to work to get past them. But it's going to take some time.
