Life is Healthy

Addiction is something I think about a lot. Lately I've been watching a lot of TV programs that discuss it. I've also been fascinated by the Ted Williams story—the homeless man who shot to fame overnight because of his "golden voice." Williams has now decided that he needs a stint in rehab. And I say good for him.

If you're new to my blog, you may not know that I have a long history with addiction and addicts. I worked at a local homeless shelter while I was in college. My father was an alcoholic as was my husband. I've become pretty keen at knowing when an addict is lying. I've been pretty sure that Williams has been lying about how long he's been sober. I suspect that he hasn't been sober at all. Lying is characteristic in addiction. I have friend who has a history of addiction but has long been sober. He told me that when he was deep into his addiction, he chose to lie even when it made more sense to tell the truth.

In Williams case, lying about his sobriety isn't the worst of his problems. Becoming famous overnight, however, may have been the catalyst to set him off on a binge that he would not have recovered from. But in deciding that rehab was what he needed more than fame is definitely the right choice.

Dr. Phil Uncovers the Truth
When I watched a few excerpts of Williams appearance on Dr. Phil, and I really looked at Williams' face, the fear that I saw was undeniable.  In part of the discussion, William said he was already thinking of going back to Ohio. Dr. Phil told him that would be the biggest mistake he could make. And Williams got that "he knows my secret" look. I know that look. I know all he wanted to do was run and hide. And then drown out everything in river of alcohol.

The reason I'm discussing this today is that I identify wholeheartedly with addiction. While I've spent my life dealing with alcoholics, I've truly been no better off myself. What my family did with alcohol, I do with food. I use it bury what's really bothering me—stuff it down so it can't get out. And it endangers my health.

Some people say they eat no matter what their feeling—happy, sad, whatever. It's all the same. But in reality, it's what they do to feel good. And it's worked—at least for a while.

What is addiction?
Addiction has typically been thought of as a physical dependence on a chemical, such as alcohol, drugs, or tobacco. We usually think of this chemical as something that alters brain chemistry once it's been ingested. But addiction can occur when a particular behavior becomes a repeated pattern that we use to bring comfort to ourselves, despite negative consequences, such as overeating.

My Addiction

When I get upset, I begin to crave chocolate. I can almost taste it. That's how strong the urge becomes. And eating the chocolate make me feel good while I'm eating it. Afterward though, I'm disgusted with myself. I begin to feel guilty. Then I know that I'll never be the person I want to be. But isn't that a funny choice of words? I know I'll never be able to do it. Am I also fulfilling my own prophesy? Do I think I'm a fake? A phony undeserving of happiness? Is that how all addicts think? We just need to be medicated and put away?

Anyway, these are my thoughts these days. And today, I feel like I'm getting to a place where I have some control. So all of this self reflection has done me some good. I hope you find peace, too.

More later—

We are still snowed in here. WVU was closed today. That's like a once in a decade occurance. Being snowed in is making me a little stir crazy. It's also making me want to graze. I hope I get out of here by tomorrow.

I've been collecting nuggets of wisdom. Here are a few:
Carnie Wilson said: A friend of mine told me that you're only as sick as your secrets.
Dr. Drew Pinsky: Boredom really equals depression in an addict.

OK. So those are the only two I have. But they really hit home with me. Like I've said before, hiding things isn't healthy. Puttering around the house bored really means I'm too depressd to do anything else. I think I've been avoiding the world. There was a time when I wasn't like this. Ever since my husband died, though, I've been a different person. And I think the truth is that I'm scared.

How's that for an ending today?

I'm starting the week out slow. I wrote a couple of articles for suite101.com over the weekend. One titled Dying from a Broken Heart and the other How To Quit Smoking. If you see any mistakes in them, let me know. I'm the Queen of Missing Words.

I'm still working on the article about Food Addiction. It's hard for me to write because I'm so close to the topic.  While I'm getting better at knowing when I'm physically full, I still suffer from sugar attacks. Anyway, with the article, I feel like, "How can I tell people about food addiction if I'm a food addict myself?"

Clean House and Hoarders
I watched Clean House—The Messiest Home yesterday. Wow. Hoarding behavior again. I really identify with this kind of behavior, but on the level of weight. Hoarders are afraid to give up their stuff. I'm afraid to give up my fat. It somehow brings me security, even though I try to tell myself and others that's not the case. I think another blogger, Journey Beyond Survival, said the same thing. Anyway, I'm working through it—trying to figure out what's going on in my head. My fat is somehow linked to my identity. If I lose it, I'll lose part of who I am—maybe. I don't know.

weight loss, hoarders

Hello, my name is Kathy, and I am a foodaholic. I love to eat. There are so many foods that I love the taste of--chocolate, mashed potatoes and gravy, hamburgers, fried chicken, and the list goes on. I make special trips to the store because I'm craving something. I eat out all of the time because restaurant food is delicious.

I eat for no other reason than there's nothing better to do. I eat ice cream out of the carton. I eat chips out of the bag. I eat alone or with company. I eat like I will never be fed again.

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I make up reasons to eat. I make up reasons that I deserve this cake, cookie, ice cream, whatever. I get mad because I can't eat whatever I want because I'll gain weight. I believe it isn't fair. Other people get to eat massive amounts of food and don't gain a pound--or at least in my world they don't. If they did, I wouldn't be able to justify my anger.

I quit smoking. Why can't I quit overeating?
Seven years ago I quit smoking. That's right. I used to smoke. I came from an era when everyone smoked. Even Rob and Laura Petrie smoked. (They slept in separate beds so I guess they needed some way to relieve the tension.) Anyway, today I got to thinking. Why was I able to quit smoking? I used patches to quit. So I had a crutch. And that made it easier.

So how can I apply my ability to quit smoking to controlling my food addictions? What was it inside me that gave me the strength to do it? I don't think they make ice cream patches--do they? So what I'm doing is looking for the person inside me who can stop. The person who can make things happen. The person who wants it bad enough.

Stay turned.

P.S. I ran across The Joy Project today. Interesting stuff.

2010 begins at midnight tonight. Most folks view the coming year as a fresh start--a time to make resolutions about their lives.

PBS will be airing a documentary titled This Emotional Life beginning January 4, 2010. It's three-part series, and looks like it will be worth watching.

I don't have to take this quiz to know that I'm addicted to food. I think I answered yes to every question. But hey. It's not all bad. They say when you can admit that you have a problem, you can do something about it. Right? Right?

I'm going to write an article about food addiction for Suite101.com. I'll have it finished before the first of the year. I intend to continue to work on my food addiction. I figure the more I learn, the more I can figure out why I eat to soothe myself. So be looking for that.

OK. After some thought, I'd like to ask a list of questions, and luckily get two or three responses, about being addicted to food.

Many people fall under the spell of food. They use it to cope with life's challenges, and likely find it difficult to satisfy their cravings. Most of these people know that they should choose nutritious food. But when a binges comes on, the only thing that will satisfy is the stuff they know will make sick--literally, emotionally, and physically.

David Kessler, M.D., said in his book, "The End of Overeating," that foods high in sugar and fat may actually make them "hyperpalatable," meaning that they taste really, really good. The doctor claims that this response is measurable under scientific conditions.

1. What do you think of Dr. Kessler's Findings?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a binge because the food tasted so good you couldn't stop, or was that just a bonus and the binge would've happened anyway? (I know I personally have eaten things I didn't particularly like--it was just what was available.)
3. What food sets you off on a binge?
4. What life events make it more likely that you will binge?

I think that's a start. I'd like to include your responses in my article. Names can be withheld to protect your identity. Any takers? Please.

More tomorrow.

One the biggest things that I have been trying to do differently is picture myself living the life I want. Free from my addictions. Enjoying life.

I have used food for long time as an antidepressant. I come from a long line of alcoholics. So I am wired like an addict. But I heard someone say that genetics only loads the gun. The environment pulls the trigger.

So if I'm wired to be an addict, and I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, and everything was about making the alcoholic happy, and children were pushed to the side--and my needs as a child were satisfied--by people who claimed that they loved me--with cookies, cakes, and ice cream, then how could I have helped what happened to me. I can understand it now, but I certainly couldn't then. Now I have to figure out a way to break the cycle.

Do I want help. Absolutely. And I get help everyday on this blog and the other blogs that I visit. I get help from people who are suffering through the same pain. We applaud each other for doing well. We tell each other to hang in there when things aren't going so well. I do have help. That's why I'm here writing this blog. And some days I don't have to ask for help--it just shows up. And that's the miracle of pouring your heart out in an open forum.

So, to everyone who stops by to say they've got my back--you are the greatest. Plese don't ever go away.

I've been reading a lot of blogs about overeating addictions. Some are them are by the people who are addicted. Others are by people who want to help the addicted person, but don't know how. Some of those people say they have approached the person to point out their behavior thinking they may not know they have a problem.

I've never stolen packets of jam or jelly from a restaurant and then hidden to eat to contents like Jennette Fulda a.k.a. PastaQueen admitted in her book Half-Assed, a Weight Loss Memoir. I have, however, been known to stand in my kitchen and eat jam right out of the jar. That said, I know I have a long way to go before conquering my food addictions—and this week is Thanksgiving. Thursday will be an excuse for me to eat far more than what I need to keep myself alive.