Life is Healthy

Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.

Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.

Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.

I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.

Anyway....

Today I managed to do 40 minutes of cardio. And I also continued with the stretching. My leg tends to tighten up if I try to do much. I'm still avoiding the weights for now. I have been doing some upper body work.

I'm working hard to overcome some issues I have. After Al died the way he did—suddenly and unexpectedly—I've developed a fear of abandonment—I'm afraid that everyone I care about will either die or just leave me. Let me try to explain. I feel like I've been deserted. Every plan that I had for the future died when Al did. Most times, I'm in a depressed funk. When my little nieces spend the night with me, I'm afraid that they will die in the middle of the night, and when I wake up I'll find their cold little bodies. I'm afraid everyone of the relationships I have, including my friends, will leave me. I get angry with people for no good reason other than I think they want to leave me. (It's the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.) It's sick. I know it is.

The real reason I don't want to get involved in another relationship is: I'm afraid "it" will just happen again. And I could never go through that again. I can't put my heart out there to be broken like that. It's an awful place to be—all alone with the world crashing in around you. Losing a spouse is a feeling like no other—it's like you've literally been cut in half and you're hemorrhaging. It's not like getting divorced because the bastard is still alive for you to curse. But when he dies, he's not there anymore, anywhere. How can you curse someone who isn't there?

Now I'm in this weird place that I don't want to be. But I'm not in denial about it. I know that I have lots of issues. And I'm trying to work to get past them. But it's going to take some time.