Life is Healthy

Addiction is something I think about a lot. Lately I've been watching a lot of TV programs that discuss it. I've also been fascinated by the Ted Williams story—the homeless man who shot to fame overnight because of his "golden voice." Williams has now decided that he needs a stint in rehab. And I say good for him.

If you're new to my blog, you may not know that I have a long history with addiction and addicts. I worked at a local homeless shelter while I was in college. My father was an alcoholic as was my husband. I've become pretty keen at knowing when an addict is lying. I've been pretty sure that Williams has been lying about how long he's been sober. I suspect that he hasn't been sober at all. Lying is characteristic in addiction. I have friend who has a history of addiction but has long been sober. He told me that when he was deep into his addiction, he chose to lie even when it made more sense to tell the truth.

In Williams case, lying about his sobriety isn't the worst of his problems. Becoming famous overnight, however, may have been the catalyst to set him off on a binge that he would not have recovered from. But in deciding that rehab was what he needed more than fame is definitely the right choice.

Dr. Phil Uncovers the Truth
When I watched a few excerpts of Williams appearance on Dr. Phil, and I really looked at Williams' face, the fear that I saw was undeniable.  In part of the discussion, William said he was already thinking of going back to Ohio. Dr. Phil told him that would be the biggest mistake he could make. And Williams got that "he knows my secret" look. I know that look. I know all he wanted to do was run and hide. And then drown out everything in river of alcohol.

The reason I'm discussing this today is that I identify wholeheartedly with addiction. While I've spent my life dealing with alcoholics, I've truly been no better off myself. What my family did with alcohol, I do with food. I use it bury what's really bothering me—stuff it down so it can't get out. And it endangers my health.

Some people say they eat no matter what their feeling—happy, sad, whatever. It's all the same. But in reality, it's what they do to feel good. And it's worked—at least for a while.

What is addiction?
Addiction has typically been thought of as a physical dependence on a chemical, such as alcohol, drugs, or tobacco. We usually think of this chemical as something that alters brain chemistry once it's been ingested. But addiction can occur when a particular behavior becomes a repeated pattern that we use to bring comfort to ourselves, despite negative consequences, such as overeating.

My Addiction

When I get upset, I begin to crave chocolate. I can almost taste it. That's how strong the urge becomes. And eating the chocolate make me feel good while I'm eating it. Afterward though, I'm disgusted with myself. I begin to feel guilty. Then I know that I'll never be the person I want to be. But isn't that a funny choice of words? I know I'll never be able to do it. Am I also fulfilling my own prophesy? Do I think I'm a fake? A phony undeserving of happiness? Is that how all addicts think? We just need to be medicated and put away?

Anyway, these are my thoughts these days. And today, I feel like I'm getting to a place where I have some control. So all of this self reflection has done me some good. I hope you find peace, too.

More later—

Hello, my name is Kathy, and I am a foodaholic. I love to eat. There are so many foods that I love the taste of--chocolate, mashed potatoes and gravy, hamburgers, fried chicken, and the list goes on. I make special trips to the store because I'm craving something. I eat out all of the time because restaurant food is delicious.

I eat for no other reason than there's nothing better to do. I eat ice cream out of the carton. I eat chips out of the bag. I eat alone or with company. I eat like I will never be fed again.

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I make up reasons to eat. I make up reasons that I deserve this cake, cookie, ice cream, whatever. I get mad because I can't eat whatever I want because I'll gain weight. I believe it isn't fair. Other people get to eat massive amounts of food and don't gain a pound--or at least in my world they don't. If they did, I wouldn't be able to justify my anger.

I quit smoking. Why can't I quit overeating?
Seven years ago I quit smoking. That's right. I used to smoke. I came from an era when everyone smoked. Even Rob and Laura Petrie smoked. (They slept in separate beds so I guess they needed some way to relieve the tension.) Anyway, today I got to thinking. Why was I able to quit smoking? I used patches to quit. So I had a crutch. And that made it easier.

So how can I apply my ability to quit smoking to controlling my food addictions? What was it inside me that gave me the strength to do it? I don't think they make ice cream patches--do they? So what I'm doing is looking for the person inside me who can stop. The person who can make things happen. The person who wants it bad enough.

Stay turned.

P.S. I ran across The Joy Project today. Interesting stuff.

I'm going to write an article about food addiction for Suite101.com. I'll have it finished before the first of the year. I intend to continue to work on my food addiction. I figure the more I learn, the more I can figure out why I eat to soothe myself. So be looking for that.

OK. After some thought, I'd like to ask a list of questions, and luckily get two or three responses, about being addicted to food.

Many people fall under the spell of food. They use it to cope with life's challenges, and likely find it difficult to satisfy their cravings. Most of these people know that they should choose nutritious food. But when a binges comes on, the only thing that will satisfy is the stuff they know will make sick--literally, emotionally, and physically.

David Kessler, M.D., said in his book, "The End of Overeating," that foods high in sugar and fat may actually make them "hyperpalatable," meaning that they taste really, really good. The doctor claims that this response is measurable under scientific conditions.

1. What do you think of Dr. Kessler's Findings?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a binge because the food tasted so good you couldn't stop, or was that just a bonus and the binge would've happened anyway? (I know I personally have eaten things I didn't particularly like--it was just what was available.)
3. What food sets you off on a binge?
4. What life events make it more likely that you will binge?

I think that's a start. I'd like to include your responses in my article. Names can be withheld to protect your identity. Any takers? Please.

More tomorrow.

I'm finally back in the gym—new gym and a new routine. I'm going to the University's Student Rec Center and getting free personal training. What a great benefit.

Hello all, Over the next several weeks I intend to take on the topic of emotional eating, and I invite you comment about what triggers emotional overeating for you. Emotional overeating is not merely connected to a love of food. Typically we eat out of emotion because it's the only thing that comforts us. But then once we've eaten the entire half gallon of ice cream, we feel guilty.

So together let's discover why we overeat--and it's more than your mother ice cream to satisfy you to make you stop crying--although that can play into it. Why do you continue the behavior that causes you so much pain? Let's face it, if we were alcoholics, we'd all be in rehab--or worse.

It's OK to try to control the behavior without understanding why, for a while. But then you break down and binge again. And the cycle continues.

I know I've said this before, but I'm determined to figure out why. And I will.

I'm still looking for that motivation that got me started. While I don't want to end up in a deep depression like I was before, I'm not sure how to really wake myself up. The pain in my knee and leg is making me want to baby myself. And it's not that that's a bad thing. I think I'm babying myself too much. Why? Because there are exercises I could be doing. But again today, I'm resting. I will be at the gym tomorrow.

My eating has slowed down a little. That's the real damage. Depression and emotional eating have been my downfall throughout my life. As I have said many times before, I use food the way an alcoholic uses alcohol. But at least I'm using healthy food, right? (That's sarcasm. Ri-i-i-ight.) Believe me, you can get fat on anything--whether it's white or wheat bread, too much is too much.

I have the next two days off from work. I'll be cleaning my house today. I'm getting some things done around here with the help of my brother. And I have to say, it has improved my mood. But there's still a long road ahead. Sometimes, just the thought of how much there is to do overwhelms me. But getting it done will not only lift my mood, it could help me lose weight because so much of it is physical labor.

Anyway, that' my day. If you have struggled through emotional eating and have found a way to deal with it, please give me advice. I need it.

Some days I wake up tired. This is one of those days. I did an hour on the treadmill this morning and then 20 minutes on the track. I thought it would be a good day to break things up a little. So I decided to take it little easier.