Depression and distress affecting Merapi victims

Ruby's therapist suggested that she change five things in her life if she was really serious about losing the weight. I thought that seemed like a good idea. So I'm trying to think of five things I can change.
I already park farther from where I'm going to get the extra walking. Stairs are a bit tough with my knees as painful as they are. I guess one thing I could do is not going straight home and watching TV as soon as I get there. I could do some household chores. Another is to drink water instead of diet coke. So I have two. I need three more.
I think I could probably change five things in other areas of my life, too. You know, like what are five things I could change so I could save money? Not eating out—or picking much cheaper places could be one change. Anyway. . . .
Other things on Ruby that hit home with me are her depression and sleep issues. My childhood was pretty tough. Sometimes I think I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. But I won't go into detail here.
Exercise this week is not going to be easy. No gym in the morning. I know I need to find a gym that really fits me. But I've been hesitating. I'm afraid I won't be able to afford it. I've been unsuccessfully trying to figure out how to make more money. I wish I had some magic.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a magic wand? Wave it and your troubles disappear. If I had a magic wand, I would change a lot of things—number one my weight problems. Number two—my money problems. I think those are my top two. They're probably the top two for a lot of people. You think?
1,010 in 2010 has a pretty cool giveaway. Stop by his blog and check it out.
As for me, I'm staying home again today. I just couldn't go out and negotiate that snow again. Right now, I'm doing the addict thing by isolating myself--and I know I'm doing it. Please don't tell me to just get out of the house. You know what? Even if I did, I don't have any place to go--except work. And that's depressing the hell out of me. Going in there and having people talk to me like I'm four years old is getting really old. I wish I had never written that grant. But I can't really go into that here.
I'm in a snappy, bitchy mood, too. I've had a bad cold over the last week and a sinus headache to match it. I'm depressed. I'm pissed off. And I don't want to be around anyone.
Currently the only people I really talk to are my blogging friends. I don't really have anything to say to the people who are right in front of me.
Well, it's snowing again. I'm waiting for just one day where it doesn't snow and maybe there's a little sunshine.
My test yesterday was to see if I disconnected a link that I no longer wanted my blog appear on. I think it worked.
Well, I hope I have someting positive to say soon. Boot camp starts March 8. Maybe that will jolt me out this abyss.
We are still snowed in here. WVU was closed today. That's like a once in a decade occurance. Being snowed in is making me a little stir crazy. It's also making me want to graze. I hope I get out of here by tomorrow.
I've been collecting nuggets of wisdom. Here are a few:
Carnie Wilson said: A friend of mine told me that you're only as sick as your secrets.
Dr. Drew Pinsky: Boredom really equals depression in an addict.
OK. So those are the only two I have. But they really hit home with me. Like I've said before, hiding things isn't healthy. Puttering around the house bored really means I'm too depressd to do anything else. I think I've been avoiding the world. There was a time when I wasn't like this. Ever since my husband died, though, I've been a different person. And I think the truth is that I'm scared.
How's that for an ending today?
This day has all of the makings of "one of those days." But what are ya gonna do? My windshield washer on my car won't work. Had to drop it off at the shop. If it weren't the middle of winter, I might not worry about it so much. But I gotta have it on days when it snows—ya know, when trucks pass you and splash crap all over your windshield.
Other stuff suggests that I probably should've got out of bed. But I've decided not to go into any of that here.
New Thyroid Drug
Yesterday, my doctor put me on a new thyroid medication. This is a compound from a pharmacy in Canada. I'll let you know how it works out. I was taking Armour Thyroid. But I've heard that they changed the formula and people weren't doing so well on it. I've been sick for a while. Maybe it's related.
When I was first diagnosed with thyroid disease in the early '90s, I took Synthroid. I never did well on it. My hair fell out, finger nails cracked, and I had horrible painful, periods. Those were just some of the things that happened. For the most part, it was like I wasn't taking anything for my disease.
Then I found Mary Shomon's site. What a Godsend. Up to that point, I had no idea that I had options other than Synthroid. I didn't know that doctors only wanted to treat thyroid disease inside a certain range and that anything inside that range was considered OK or normal. After reading her site, I realized I wasn't getting the treatment I really needed. So I found a doctor who would prescribe something other than the hyped up drug currently being touted. That's when I finally started getting better.
So, we'll see. Maybe this new drug will help me get back to being myself. Depression is a big part of thyroid disease, at least it is for me. I'm hoping this will help.
P.S.
I forgot to explain the previous post. I had to post that phrase on my blog so that a blog service I signed up for could verify my blog. Nothing too mysterious. But kinda funny.
When I said that I was thinking about talking more about my childhood, I didn't mean that I intended to constantly rehash the past. I'm finished with feeling sorry for myself. I do, however, want to understand "how I got this way." For me, what it comes down to is forgiveness. And forgiveness goes a long way in healing. It's when people hold onto their stories as a way of justifying their overeating, drinking, drug taking that they never get better—and get depressed.
I watched a lot of TV yesterday, and in the process learned more about myself than I have in years. Through PBS's This Emotional Life, I discovered that my ruminative thinking is not only learned, it's also likely genetic. My mother and father used this kind of thinking—in other words, they dwelled on everything—why didn't you call? Where have you been? Who were you with? And that wasn't just with me. It was with each other.
Memories of Hard Times
In my house, anger, guilt, and depression dominated, and they were accompanied with addictive behaviors—eating and drinking always to excess. There was also a lot of fighting. My parents didn't pay attention to us kids unless it was to scream at us. I took the flack for everyone mostly because I was tired of living like we did. My parents had many hard times, and they tended to take it out on us—but especially me. I was the middle child. I tried to make peace in the family many times but usually failed. That typically led to me being punished. And this activity was circular.
Why am I talking about this now? Because psychologists now realize that to truly cope with past memories, you have to remember them. You have to face them to understand them and make peace with them.
Biggest Loser Preserves Spirit, Wins Hearts, Faces Challenge
As I watched Eric Chopin discuss his trials, failures, and disappointments last night, I identified with him more than I've identified with anyone for a very long time. When he said: "I'm just trying to figure who I'm supposed to be on this earth," I thought he was really telling my story. Sometimes I think I've never really known who I am. Ask my friends and family. I often say that I have no idea why I'm still here.
He also talked about having a feeling inside that he would fail. He said he failed. I understand that, too. Sometimes I think I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even want to try.
And he discussed an almost all or nothing attitude. I have that, too. If I'm focused on losing weight, that's my focus. Finding a balance is the healthy way.
The pain in Eric's eyes was undeniable. And I didn't just sympathize with him; I empathized with him. I know what it feels like to have to go through it all over again. But he's mustering up his courage to face the battle, and maybe this time win the war. I pray for him. I feel for him.
Facing My Battle
Well, here I am once again. Am I ready? I'm making myself ready.
PBS will be airing a documentary titled This Emotional Life beginning January 4, 2010. It's three-part series, and looks like it will be worth watching.
I feel bad that I haven't been posting. I finally got my Internet service at home. It took long enough. (And the most amazing thing is that I'm paying for this.)
I'm still keeping a food journal. I believe it helps.
I've also been really depressed. I can't figure out how to get beyond it. (I'm already taking antidepressants. What else can I do? Oh yeah. Exercise.)
I haven't been to the gym this week. I will get there tomorrow. I have to go at least twice.
Sorry I don't have much to say. I could talk about my dogs escaping from the yard. That was a real heart stopper. Once they got out, they weren't really sure about what they could do. They came so soon as I called them. Thank God they were OK.
This morning I was almost killed on the way to work. I got the asshole's license number though.
I wish I had the gumption (one of Mom's favorite words) to do something. I just want to retire.
I'm still looking for that motivation that got me started. While I don't want to end up in a deep depression like I was before, I'm not sure how to really wake myself up. The pain in my knee and leg is making me want to baby myself. And it's not that that's a bad thing. I think I'm babying myself too much. Why? Because there are exercises I could be doing. But again today, I'm resting. I will be at the gym tomorrow.
My eating has slowed down a little. That's the real damage. Depression and emotional eating have been my downfall throughout my life. As I have said many times before, I use food the way an alcoholic uses alcohol. But at least I'm using healthy food, right? (That's sarcasm. Ri-i-i-ight.) Believe me, you can get fat on anything--whether it's white or wheat bread, too much is too much.
I have the next two days off from work. I'll be cleaning my house today. I'm getting some things done around here with the help of my brother. And I have to say, it has improved my mood. But there's still a long road ahead. Sometimes, just the thought of how much there is to do overwhelms me. But getting it done will not only lift my mood, it could help me lose weight because so much of it is physical labor.
Anyway, that' my day. If you have struggled through emotional eating and have found a way to deal with it, please give me advice. I need it.
I'm still doing great with the diet, but the exercise has fallen off. I just can't get moving in the morning. Part of my problem is the season. I hate winter. It depresses me. And right now I couldn't be more down in the dumps. Today it's 18 degrees F. There's about two inches of snow out there. It's cold, snowy, and icy. Not a combination I'm rearing to get out into. And there's no school today and several other things have been cancelled. So unless you're 12 years old or under, and got a sled for Christmas, today is pretty much a write off.
But my diet is still going OK. I can say that much.
Well, I've got to go dust a pile of snow from my car and get going. Maybe I will make it out. Wish me luck.
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