Life is Healthy

One the biggest things that I have been trying to do differently is picture myself living the life I want. Free from my addictions. Enjoying life.

I have used food for long time as an antidepressant. I come from a long line of alcoholics. So I am wired like an addict. But I heard someone say that genetics only loads the gun. The environment pulls the trigger.

So if I'm wired to be an addict, and I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, and everything was about making the alcoholic happy, and children were pushed to the side--and my needs as a child were satisfied--by people who claimed that they loved me--with cookies, cakes, and ice cream, then how could I have helped what happened to me. I can understand it now, but I certainly couldn't then. Now I have to figure out a way to break the cycle.

Do I want help. Absolutely. And I get help everyday on this blog and the other blogs that I visit. I get help from people who are suffering through the same pain. We applaud each other for doing well. We tell each other to hang in there when things aren't going so well. I do have help. That's why I'm here writing this blog. And some days I don't have to ask for help--it just shows up. And that's the miracle of pouring your heart out in an open forum.

So, to everyone who stops by to say they've got my back--you are the greatest. Plese don't ever go away.

This time I woke up at 3:30 a.m. So I at least got an extra hour of sleep. But I didn't go to work today. I decided that I need to just relax. I wish this would just stop. I think I'm to the point where I'm worrying too much about it. The muscles around my eyes are aching from lack of sleep.

I think I worry too much about things that I can't do anything about--like which way the wind blows. I want things to happen but I don't have any idea how to make them happen--like finding a cure for cancer. Sometimes things "just are." There's no way to change the past. But we can learn from the past. I've made a lot of mistakes over my lifetime. And I'm trying to learn from them.

I'm asking myself questions like: Why do I always choose alcoholic men to get involved with? After I choose these men, why do I then wonder why my relationship sucks?

I've really only ever loved three men in my life: JP, AJ, and DC. And guess what they all had in common? I tried to rekindle something with DC, but I don't think it's going to work. And maybe it shouldn't. Sometimes the past should just remain in the past. And maybe I picked this past relationship because deep down I knew it wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. That way it was sure to fail and I was sure to remain safe.

I don't think I'm ready to move on. I'm just now getting used to being single. And, much to my surprise, I'm kind of liking it.

I've been doing a lot of heavy duty dreaming lately. But I can't remember what the dreams were about. Maybe I'm working things out in my dreams. I wish I could remember them. I was once really good at remembering my dreams. I need to work on sharpening that skill again.

By now you're likely asking yourself: What in the Hell does all of this have to do with weight loss? Quite a bit actually. If you can't come to terms with why you're fat, you'll never get skinny. Seeking out crappy relationships is just one of the things that I keep stuffed away inside me--all smashed down under cake, ice ceam, and potato chips. What I've got to figure is why I don't think I deserve anything better.