Life Has Its Twists and Turns
Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.
Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.
Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.
I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.
Anyway....
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