A Lifetime Ago
This time I woke up at 3:30 a.m. So I at least got an extra hour of sleep. But I didn't go to work today. I decided that I need to just relax. I wish this would just stop. I think I'm to the point where I'm worrying too much about it. The muscles around my eyes are aching from lack of sleep.
I think I worry too much about things that I can't do anything about--like which way the wind blows. I want things to happen but I don't have any idea how to make them happen--like finding a cure for cancer. Sometimes things "just are." There's no way to change the past. But we can learn from the past. I've made a lot of mistakes over my lifetime. And I'm trying to learn from them.
I'm asking myself questions like: Why do I always choose alcoholic men to get involved with? After I choose these men, why do I then wonder why my relationship sucks?
I've really only ever loved three men in my life: JP, AJ, and DC. And guess what they all had in common? I tried to rekindle something with DC, but I don't think it's going to work. And maybe it shouldn't. Sometimes the past should just remain in the past. And maybe I picked this past relationship because deep down I knew it wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. That way it was sure to fail and I was sure to remain safe.
I don't think I'm ready to move on. I'm just now getting used to being single. And, much to my surprise, I'm kind of liking it.
I've been doing a lot of heavy duty dreaming lately. But I can't remember what the dreams were about. Maybe I'm working things out in my dreams. I wish I could remember them. I was once really good at remembering my dreams. I need to work on sharpening that skill again.
By now you're likely asking yourself: What in the Hell does all of this have to do with weight loss? Quite a bit actually. If you can't come to terms with why you're fat, you'll never get skinny. Seeking out crappy relationships is just one of the things that I keep stuffed away inside me--all smashed down under cake, ice ceam, and potato chips. What I've got to figure is why I don't think I deserve anything better.
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