Life is Healthy

I just read an article about secrets married women keep. No, it wasn't about secret affairs or anything that controversial. It was about prenups, taking the husband's last name, and a few other mundane confessions. Here's my confession—although I loved my husband—when I got married I traded passion for turmoil. And I'm not talking about sex.

Before I got married I had passion for my life. I wanted to succeed. I wanted, well, the world. After, I became a married woman. I lost my passion for life along the way. My life became a drudgery of paying bills, going to work, cooking, cleaning—when I got around to it—and dealing with in-laws who didn't like me very much. In fact one time when my beloved husband decided he wasn't going to speak to them anymore because of the bitterness he felt about his life with them, they decided that since that since they hadn't heard from him—I must've killed him. And I'm as serious as a heart attack and that's something I would never joke about.

The story is much longer than what I've shared here (and much of it revolves around a $50 check that got cashed without his signature—even though you can deposit a check and not have to sign it and get the funds from it), but that's the gist of it. When he died in reality, there were members of his family that insisted I must've had something to do with his death—despite an autopsy detailing he'd had coronary artery disease for years. And I'm serious. And they still believe that I have some kind of designs on their money—even though I wouldn't take it if it were offered. I believe much of the animosity centered around jealousy. But the story gets longer from there, and I've aired enough dirty laundry.

Life as a married woman brought so much stress that I have no idea how I 1) stayed married and 2) didn't drop dead myself. I gained a tremendous amount of weight, and lost sight of who I was. It's now been almost five years since he died. And I'm just now getting back to who I was 20 years ago. Don't get me wrong—I loved my life with Al. We loved each other. But the stressors were too high, and the price of married to a man who comes from a family that dysfunctional is too damn high. It's a life lesson well learned, and something I will never do again.

But now it's time to regain my passion. I'm trying to remember who I was and what I wanted. It's been hard. I believe I found a way to get there with the Secret—but even that's going to take time. Fortunately, I still have a lot of years left.

In case you hadn't noticed, this a dumping post. There may be many more over the next few days or weeks—however it turns out to be. Right now, I believe I'm finding my way. But each day is going to be challenge.