Life is Healthy

I was in Eddie Bauer on Friday when I heard Grace Slick singing a song I remembered vaguely from a long (long) time ago, and I was strangely happy and sad at the same time. I remembered some of the words and told my daughter, who was shopping with me, about how it had been years since I’d heard the song. But it was playing softly, and I couldn’t pinpoint where and when I’d heard it or why it made me feel so in discord. I said I’d Google it later and we went to the next store.

The song stuck in my head, in bits and pieces, all the way home and throughout the weekend, nagging me when I went to sleep, there when I woke up. I kept hearing Grace Slick singing the line, “But can’t you see that I’m no good…” (FYI: That's Grace Slick, not me, in that photo :))

Today I went outside to measure our fence with that song in my head. I was only going to be out for a few minutes. Mid measure, a neighbor came over with a plant – a decorative grass that she had to divide because it was taking over the lavender in her garden. She asked if I wanted it because she hates to let living things die in a compost heap. I understood and told her I’d find a good home for it. I asked if she’d like some oregano that was threatening the coreopsis and Shasta daisy in my garden. She said yes, and so after measuring the fence, I dug up a third of my oregano and put it in an ice cream bucket. I figured since I was there and had my shovel and trowel, I’d dig up one of the hidden coreopsis plants and replant it in another garden. Well, then, why not take out a bunch the sage that was overtaking my lavender and replant it along the garage? And, oh heck, weed and water the beds and pots and trim a bush and sweep the garage and feed the birds and…oh yeah…repot the decorative grass my neighbor gave me.

Two hours later, I went back in the house, dirty, sweaty, hungry AND with that damn song in my head.

“But you can’t see that I’m no good”…It meant something to me at some time. So I grabbed some food and Googled Jefferson Starship, which came up with “Love Too Good.” That was it! I downloaded it on iTunes, clicked play, and suddenly I was 15 years old again. Here are some of the lyrics:

I’ve opened the door
I’ve set you free
But can’t you see
That I’m no good
I’m sorry

Sorry
Baby I still love ya
Sorry
And I worry about it
Sorry
The hurt I put on you
You can do without it

Love too good
You gotta
Love too good
You gotta
Love too good
For a woman like me, baby

If you look up “Lynn Haraldson” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure this song would come up as a definition. Throughout high school and much of my adult life, I saw myself as a walking piece of hurt just waiting to envelop my next victim, never feeling good enough, never allowing someone else to love me for me. No wonder that song’s been going through my head all weekend. It was a huge reminder of how I’ve lived much of my life in that kind of oppressive self-view.

I finished lunch and decided to take a bath. Not just any bath. A “I really need and want and deserve this” bath. The kind where you pull out all the stops. 1) It was the middle of the day; 2) I grabbed a glass of wine; 3) lit candles even though the sun was shining; 4) used the good bubble bath and body wash; 5) listened to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss; and 6) kept filling the tub with hot water as the water got cooler. I soaked and relaxed and thought about the teenage/early adult me, trying to separate her from the me now.

I compared losing weight and maintaining to Jeopardy, where we often get the answers before we know the question. We can choose to ignore that answer nagging us in the back of our heads, and I suspect many of us do without knowing it, or we can address it. One of my Jeopardy categories this weekend was “The Past.” The question was, “But you can’t see that I’m no good.” Time was ticking. I’d bet a true daily double and had to figure out the question or I’d go broke.

“What is…‘What negative self-opinion did Lynn have of herself for most of her life?” I replied.

“Correct!” said Alex Trebek. And we walked off into the sunset, hand in hand and…wait, that’s another fantasy for another day.

See where a little self-esteem will get you? heehee

Anyway, I’m glad to now have that mystery solved. The song is still going through my head, but not in a teenage angst-ridden way. It’s not a workout song by any means, but it’s good to have those reminders along the way, the ones that keep you grounded to your past. The ones that are no longer definitive, but are either comparative or in contrast to the way things are now.

So what answers are nagging you? Please tell me I’m not the only one who hears Grace Slick in her head all weekend….