Life is Healthy

I have a "friend" that I really don't trust very much. And yesterday, true to form, he made me realize that my intuitions were correct. We have kind of a past--going back about seven years. When I first met him, he didn't give me a chance. He immediately assumed the worst of me because of the things another person said about me. He even did malicious little things to me to make me feel bad, despite not knowing me. I know, I never should've given him the opportunity to "do it again." But I have to work with this guy. So being a mature human being, I allowed him to become my "friend."

Since that time and over the seven years that I've known him, we never really had much of a relationship--because of the way we started out. He minded his business and I minded mine. And I never really trusted him. I know, it's with good reason that I didn't trust him. Then last fall we had to travel together. We had to spend six hours in car with each other. At first things were like they always were. Just kind of OK. Then as time dragged on, we started talking and the conversation got warm and fuzzy. I talked a lot about Al and our life together. I even let a couple of secrets slip. I talked about my youth. I talked about the things I wanted out of life. I foolishly thought that we had a breakthrough and really were becoming friends. But as it turns out, he thought I wanted to sleep with him. Well, he was all over that. But I misread the situation. I'm still at loss as to how he could've thought I wanted to sleep with him from the things I said--especially when I was talking mostly about my dead husband. Maybe it's that he's dead and I must be "missing it." Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

When we got back, he started telling everyone that something happened between us while we were away. And then I found out that he telling everyone that we were going to have an affair. Well, I got really pissed off and didn't even want to be in the same room with him for a while. But then as some time passed I started feeling a little more generous, and I let my guard down. We traveled together again a couple of more times, and much to his dismay we never did sleep together. But I'm still the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I thought we were friends.

Yesterday, however, it all came to a big realization. We are not friends. I don't want to sleep with him, so he doesn't want me around anymore. He has now found another person he thinks is a potential bed buddy--and I just cramp his style. So now I'm hurt. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I constantly get myself into relationships with people who only want something from me? And who don't give a damn if they hurt me? And I, like a fool, keep coming back for more.

So I didn't go to work today. I couldn't sleep last night. I was so angry once I allowed myself to face the truth. So now how do I continue to work with someone I hate? And this other girl--I think she's falling for his charm. Do I clue her into his real motives? I tried once before, and I thought she got it. But she's having "trouble at home." And she's lonely. And she tells him all of this. And he's feeding on it like a Parana. I can see this heading for some big mistakes. (Which I thank God in Heaven I did not make. Remember my "Red Flag" dream? Well, I took my own unconscious mind's advice. If I was throwing up that many red flags, well, I must know what I'm talking about. And baby did I ever. ) But can I really do anything about it? If they want to, they're going to "do it" no matter what I have to say.

You see. This is why I can never have a satisfactory life. I'm such a sucker. I keep believing in the "goodness of mankind" when any goodness that I see is really just my imagination. Everyone is out for himself, or herself, as the case may be. What just absolutely kills me is that I thought we really were friends. I should've known. All along I kept going back to the way it was when we first met. I would remember how it felt to be humiliated on a daily basis when I felt myself being sucked into the charm that was being spewed about. Sometimes it made me cry. But it kept me grounded in reality and from making a huge mistake. And again I thank God for giving me some kind insight, and I won't even begin to be able to thank Him for the good sense.

I've always been a keen observer of human kind. And I usually know someone's true colors immediately. But I try to give people the opportunity to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, I'm rarely wrong. And in this case, I am so glad I listened to myself. Now if I can just get this poor, pitiful girl to listen to me--but if I can't, at least I will have tried. And she won't be able to say she wasn't warned. But I'm still pissed off.

I never allowed myself to talk about this here before because, in all honesty, I was embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that I was stupid enough to give someone a chance--over and again--who would have the nerve to treat me like I was only here for his pleasure. And who never would've done the same thing for me. As it turns out, I was right. I should be embarrassed. So here's to publicly getting all out.

Wow. That was great. I feel like I just threw up.