A Long, Long Time Ago, I Can Still Remember
I have a style. It's very causal. I prefer sneakers over any other kind of shoe. I always look like I'm ready to go to the gym. That's how I am comfortable.
I like the colors red, white, black, yellow, green, and pink--in that order. I love collies--I love dogs. I'm not much of cat person.
I give way more than I can really afford--but I don't care. You can't take it with you.
When I make a friend, I keep him or her for a long time. I've known my oldest friend for 42 years. I've worked in the same job for more than 16 years. I've had the same car for more than eight years. I am a creature of habit. It's not easy for me to let go of people I consider my friends. I probably think about them even if I don't see them or talk to them anymore. And I probably miss them.
Here's another big reality: I am afraid. It's been a hard thing for me to admit. I am lonely. But I don't want to get mixed up in another relationship. I miss the people who were once in my life. I miss Al deeply. I can't believe another year has gone by since he died. At the end of October, it will be three years. And I still can't believe that I'm still alive, despite Al being gone. I am not suicidal. If you ever lose your spouse, you'll find that this is a common feeling--it's normal.
I'm writing all of this down because I think if I "get it out," it will help me with whatever it is that's making me eat constantly, and still not be full. Most of the time, even if I am smiling, I feel lost and empty inside. I am prone to emotional outbursts. And I have a dreaded fear that people will just "up and leave me." Sometimes they do. And I think the worst--that people hate me. Sometimes they do.
So I've had five days off. Tomorrow, I go back to same job I've had for more than 16years. I feel somewhat anxious about it. I don't want to go. But someone has to pay the bills.
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