lost
Reading Lene's post on dreams yesterday got me thinking about a post I wrote on that subject last March.
And then last night I had a panicky dream that I was lost in a hotel (hotels and houses seem to be key themes for me). First, I could not find my friends' room and then I could not return to my own. I could not remember my room number. Halls led to nowhere or to places that were completely illogical (like an ice rink). Calls on hotel phones went unanswered, were connected to people far away from the hotel, or produced directions that made no sense (or that I could not remember. These are key fears of mine as a chemo patient - forgetting things or not being able to understand them).
At one point, I was trying to open a door and it turned into a folding wall. For a few moments, I was trapped.
The last thing I remember, was finding the front desk. A woman was giving me directions when my younger son woke me up. Perhaps my dream was about to resolve itself.
I have not been able to fight the lingering feeling of anxiety this morning.
I did have an appointment with the doctor who works with my oncologist yesterday. It was a reassuring appointment, though, as she repeated again that my CT results showed no change from the previous five.
Perhaps I am feeling a little lost now that the book is finished.
The first two weeks after I was done, I felt relief and a sense of freedom.
And taking a break from MyBreastCancerNetwork.Com is definitely the right thing for me right now.
But I think I might be suffering from a case of "what's next?"
I am someone who once really defined herself by work and I have really struggled with the shift in identity that came with being a cancer patient (I feel great most of the time but I am in bed for the days after treatment. My oncologist does not want me to work and I am fortunate to have disability insurance).
One of my goals for myself for this year was to begin to think of myself as a "Writer." In order to do that, I need to keep writing.
I am excited at that prospect.
But I think I am a little scared, too.
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